I Financed Her Addictions, Now She Is Fully Dependent on Me.

My Niece Yvonne is addicted to ‘soft life’ and I blame myself for letting her indulge. Yvonne is my eldest sisters’ first of two children and given all we went through as kids, I treat all my nieces and nephews as my own kids. I would never want them to lack.

My eldest sister, Doreen, is my least favourite sibling. I know we are not supposed to have favourites but she has no issue taking advantage of the rest of us and sure isn’t the first when it comes to helping out. But we are family.

Her first child Yvonne has a special place in my heart. When she was born I was still in high school and her mother being the rebel since we were young left her at home and being the last born, I literally raised her.

When she was 4 I went to Uni and for the next 10 years I was basically building my life so I didn’t see much of her but every time I went home I’d get her some clothes, snacks and whatever she’d tell me to.

All this time, her mother had enrolled her to the local public primary school we had all attended and was working odd jobs to pay her school fees. Then when Yvonne was 10 her mother left for the city to get a better job, leaving Yvonne under the care of our only surviving parent.

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By then I had started my first job so I would send a little money for my mother and Yvonne.

At 14, Yvonne joined high school and somehow, I was responsible for her school fees. I had started a business that was doing well and I had no family of my own so I did not mind.

My other siblings were raising their kids so I was in charge of taking care of our mother and by extension Yvonne.

In her last year in high school, I delivered my first child and after her KCSE I asked her to stay with me and help me take care of my baby. That was my first mistake.

I thought to myself that instead of getting a house help and paying her lots of money I’d just give the money to my niece and given that she is family I knew she would take good care of my baby.

By the end of the six months, before she joined college I was so tired I just wanted her gone. Part of the deal was that on top of the monthly pay, I would pay her college tuition.

While living with me, I made sure that my niece never lacked. I bought her clothes, made sure her hair was done, and basically bought anything she needed even though I was paying her a monthly salary.

During those six months she got so entitled and arrogant I could not even send her. Despite paying her she kept talking about how we were using her and so on. I could not believe it.

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One time I was hosting a couple of colleagues and Yvonne went on ‘strike’ saying I was paying her only to take care of my kid and not serve my guests. 

At one point she stopped being reliable as she would go missing for days and lie that she was at her grandmothers.

Anyways, six months came to an end and it was time to enrol her in college.

Yvonne had not done so well in her KCSE and since she was good with hands-on skills, I thought she would enrol in a T-VET and take a course but no. My niece chose a very expensive private university to take Tourism and management.

I had made a deal so I enrolled her to her school of choice, paid her school fees, rented an apartment and furnished it for her.

Half into her second semester she dropped off, sold all the furniture and went to live with my mother. She did not explain her actions and kept saying she would go back.

Up to date I do not know exactly what happened. I had spent hundreds of thousands and I couldn’t exactly force her back. Three months later she told me that she had changed her course and had been waiting for a response from the school.

She said she did not want me to pay rent and that’s why she had sold all the furniture. She begged and once again I rented another apartment and she went back to school.

By the end of  that semester she was expectant and there hasn’t been school since.

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For a while I was so angry and I cut her off. I couldn’t believe she chose to waste all opportunities thrown her way. It was all for her independence but all she wanted was instant gratification.

But then we had a family function and she showed up with a one month old baby, both looking malnourished and I couldn’t help but take them in.

Three months later we had a huge argument and she left only to call later asking for a Ksh50,000 loan to start a business. I bent and long story short she is in my home again with nothing.

Yesterday she beat up my son to ‘discipline’ him and I got so angry. My plan is to throw her out and let her figure out life by herself.

You see, we have had a very toxic relationship. I did not set boundaries and by giving her money whenever she wanted I enabled her bad habits.

Sometimes tough love is what our loved ones need.  Giving them handouts ends up being harmful to them. Being firm on not enabling bad habits encourages them to take ownership of their decisions and behaviours, especially with the right kind of support.