We Stopped Speaking Because I Refused to Contribute for Her Sons’ Birthday

My cousin Mwende has hit several milestones in the last four years. She has graduated, gotten married and her kid turned one last week.

Do not get me wrong. I am very happy for her. I have always supported her. But one month ago we had a very heated argument and we haven’t talked since.

Two days before our argument I was added to a WhatsApp group ‘Liam’s first Birthday’. Upon opening the group I saw a pinned message which outlined a bunch of things like; Food-70K, Decor-30K, Cake-6K, Birthday boys outfit -10K…and so on.

Mwende wanted to throw a party for her son’s first birthday and the group was for us to contribute. Is it just me or was this quite ridiculous? Surely the harambee spirit has not gotten here. 

When Mwende was getting married we had a group to contribute for her dowry. The target was Ksh200,000.  I remember convincing myself that people get married once and that since they were so in love it was only right to help.

Yes, she helped her man pay her dowry but that is besides the point.

Read Also: What Moving in With My Boyfriend Taught Me About Money.

My cousin lives what we call an Instagram worthy lifestyle. If you check her socials it’s all candle lit dinners and Pinterest worthy images.

But the things the people close to her do to maintain this image are ridiculous I would say. 

I remember last year when she was turning 25 and we had to do a girls’ night to honour her birthday.

Every attendee had to wear a red dinner dress for the party, pay for their meal at a very expensive hotel in Nairobi. Buy a themed pyjama for the night in an Airbnb, contribute to the Airbnb’s charge, bring a bottle of wine and, of course, bring gifts.

For a while, I treated it as my quarterly staycation to attend.

Now back to a month ago after seeing the group. I called Mwende and told her that I was in a financial crisis so I wouldn’t be able to contribute to Liam’s party - but I’d get him a gift.

My sweet cousin had the audacity to call me a ‘fake, stingy aunt’. I was so mad.

I confronted her and in the anger suggested that it was ridiculous to even have the contribution in the first place.

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“If you want to throw a party make sure you can afford it. All that money for a kid who won’t even recognise what is happening?” Those were my words in anger.

I regret having gone all out on her but I reflected on how much I spend on my friends and family and decided to put my financial health first.

This incident with Mwende was a wake-up call for me. Reflecting on our argument and the hurtful things we both said, I realised that it was my responsibility to establish and maintain clear financial boundaries. Supporting family is important, but I now reckon the need to do so without compromising my financial stability. 

I began by listing my financial objectives and prioritising my needs before allocating a specific amount for what is commonly known as the “black tax.” This helped me be more intentional about my spending, ensuring that I can support those I care about while still looking out for my well-being.

This experience also taught me the importance of compassion and clear communication. I now strive to approach discussions about money with empathy and openness, explaining my financial situation and limitations firmly but kindly. 

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